Wayne Rooney’s Cougar

It’s been a minute since we’ve posted a soccer roundup. John Terry was the inspiration the Deuce needed. We’re ready to go like a 17year old girl in the back of JT’s Bentley. Let’s do this!

The Undertaker Likes To Pay For His Souls

Poor Avram Grant. He lead Chelsea to the Champions League final only to be unceremoniously bounced by owner Roman Abramovich. He landed on his feet at Portsmouth this season knowing he was going to have a rough time saving them from relegation. Unfortunately no one warned him about the clusterfuck also known as Pompey’s finances. A man might want to blow off some steam when his employer can’t pay him and wants to sell his best players.

The Sun is confirming what many including the Deuce suspected about a report describing a Premier League manager’s trip to a brothel in December. Avram Grant has been named as the manager under suspicion.

He is alleged to have smiled when admitting knowing the building was a brothel before speeding off in a car.

The manager, who is reputed to earn over £1million a year, apparently made no attempt to hide his identity.

He is said to have previously been seen outside the parlour, which uses Thai and other Far Eastern massage girls, in October when he also spent more than an hour inside.

Ain’t no shame in Avram’s game. He would have been better off rolling with Vanessa Perroncel instead of some Thai hookers in an industrial park. It’s the Chelsea way.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Sympathetically

We hate to come back to Terrygate so soon. That’s not true. It’s awesome. No new details since yesterday however we noted a potential landmine on the side that has the potential to blow up into another Chelsea/England scandal…if we’re lucky.

All the attention in this scandal has been on John Terry and his road beef. What about the real victim? Wayne Bridge. The defender has been left to fend for himself in Manchester or has he? The Telegraph reports that Ashley “Cashley” Cole’s wife Cheryl has been comforting Bridge in his time of need. Uh oh…

Cashley is a current Chelsea teammate of Terry’s and also plays for England with both players. Miss Cashley has a career of her own as a host on X Factor and mediocre singer. She’s also known for being in a similar position as Bridge when her man cheated on her after a drunken night on the town in 2008. She feels Bridge’s pain. No one’s saying she’s feeling more than that but it would be a perfect opportunity for her to exact some revenge on Cashley for his transgressions. It’s unlikely since he’s known as one of the nice guys in the game and she grudgingly took her man back. Probably not worth staying tuned but you never know.

Sir David Attenborough Takes On The Premier League

If you haven’t seen Life of Mammals or Life of Birds, you’re missing out on some nature excellence. David Attenborough has presented more nature specials than you’ll ever see. I got the British version of Planet Earth because he does the narration. While most of the specials are top notch, they don’t begin to compare to his work on Premier League players and managers. Take a gander at this excerpt.

“This extraordinary creature is half-blind…” Brilliant. It’s funny because it’s true.

Still Think Avram Grant Should Have Kept His Job?

You won’t after reading about how Avram Grant was more nervous than his players before the Champions League finals against Manchester United.

Slow Your Roll. Know Your Limitations

Emile Heskey? Really, dude?

Has a picture ever said so much? More than likely but this is spot on. I would have posted something on Chelsea yesterday but I just didn’t have it in me. Chelsea could still win the league but it would take a Chelsea win and a Manchester United loss followed by a Chelsea win over Man U. That’s it.

As crazy as it sounds, I’m not sure how much Chelsea winning the Champions League would salvage the season in my mind. Losses to Spurs and Barnsley were painful enough. Another loss to Liverpool would hurt but a season without silverware would hopefully mean Avram Grant would move upstairs. However there’s no guarantee of that happening. A CL win means a better chance of him staying. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

I don’t want to root against my team and I won’t yet I fear what victory means. Of course I want Chelsea to win the Champions League. However Grant blundering into victory could be costly. He’s shown time and time again that he has the combined tactical awareness of Paul Bremer and Rich Kotite. After being screwed out of United match tickets and still not receiving my supporters club package, I deserve something. Give me Big Cup glory and a new manager. Is that so hard?

This Is What Losing Gets You

We didn’t have a chance to speak on so-called Super Sunday with Manchester United vs. Liverpool and Arsenal vs. Chelsea yesterday. We’ll let the picture above do the talking about the first match as 10-man Liverpool were crushed 3-0 by United. Unsilent put the second match in five words yesterday. Chelsea made Easter tolerable by beating the Arse 2-1. The win put them five points off of leaders United while Arsenal dropped to third. If Chelsea lost, I would have spent the rest of the day thinking about the betrayal of 8 lb, 6 oz newborn baby Jesus by Bill Richardson.

Don’t think this changes our opinion of Avram Grant. Even a blind pig finds a truffle every now and then. Oh I don’t want to get in trouble. A blind, kosher pig. Whew…

Deadspin’s Dave Hirshey did touch on something else we couldn’t get to due to the sauced-up singing at Nevada Smiths and Central Bar as well as the man on Monday. Derby manager Paul Jewell.

Jewell took over Derby this season knowing he had an impossible task keeping them in the Premiership. He decided to go down fighting however no one thought he would lead by example.

News of the World has access to a sex tape made by Jewell of himself with a mistress. (Images may be NSFW although they are blurred out)

Jewell showing how he keeps his hoes in check by keeping his pimp hand strong.

NOTW describes an hour long bondage video made of Jewell and some lady who ain’t his wifey. He’s got some ‘splainin to do!

We could make the obligatory Spitzer comment about him not possibly being stupid enough to tape himself cheating but we don’t want to apologize down the road.

I just hope that one day me missus tells me to “fuck her in daylight on my car”. I’ll bang her up on my Trablant real nice.

Wayne Rooney’s Cougar

It’s been a while since we’ve been to cougar country and since we’ve had a soccer roundup so without further ado, let’s go hunting for MILFs and news from the world of futbol.

The MLS Is Hot Hot Hot, Hot For Beckham

It seems as though there’s nothing the MLS won’t do for Beckham. They’ll let him play when he wants. Travel as he wants. It wouldn’t be a surprise to know that Don Garber and Alexi Lalas are required to suck him off on command.

Reports are surfacing that Beckham has the right to buy the Galaxy after his contract ends in three years. 60 Minutes will report on Sunday that the option was given to him as well as his manager, Simon Fuller. Fuller, in addition to being Goldenballs’ manager, is also the creator of Pop Idol which is the father of American Idol.

Don’t be surprised if Landon Donovan’s wife is part of the option as well. It’s not like he would do anything about it expect bitch, moan and cry while running back to his house with his hands at his sides. “It’s just like Leverkusen!”

Everton Adopts The Kitchen Sink Approach

Hillary Clinton isn’t the only one out there to resort to the kitchen sink approach while on the ropes. Everton is desperately trying to lock down 4th place in the Premiership. Plan X: 7-year old Harry Yates.

Finishing in the top four means Champions League football next season and the additional millions that will come from competing in the competition. Yates is a keeper which has to make current Everton and US keeper Tim Howard nervous.

Drunk Me Up Woman, I’m Going In

It would be nice if today’s athletes had the same drive and dedication to their game as Norwich’s Matty Pattison. Pattison was worried about being late for practice so he hopped into his car and rushed to practice last Sunday morning. The problem was that he was only wearing his underwear, a t-shirt and shoes. It gets better as there was no practice that day. Oh almost forgot, he was also shitfaced from the previous night and was arrested for drunk driving.

Pattison, also known as “Party”, was arrested after being seen driving all over the road by cops. When he was arrested, he was “unsteady on his feet and slurring his words”.

A source at Norwich told the Mirror: “Matty is always out clubbing which is why he has got the nickname ‘Party’. It’s a shame he has a bit of a problem because he is a good player.”

Manager Glenn Roeder should lay off Party. He should be lucky that Party still wanted to show up in his state. Most of today’s athletes would have blown off practice or showed up late. That’s commitment. If Roeder recognized that, he’d probably have a job in the Premiership.

Newsflash: Avram Grant Doesn’t Know What He’s Doing

I would call Chelsea manager Avram Grant a donkey but that would be an insult to donkeys. At least they’re useful. Word seems to be getting out that he’s in over his head. Chelsea is still within sniffing distance of the league and Champions League in spite of his cluelessness.

Add Didier Drogba to the list of people who wonder what the hell Grant is doing. Like the rest of us who always ask “What the fuck are you doing?”, Drogba was asking the same question during Wednesday’s draw with Tottenham.

Sportsmail can reveal that the Chelsea striker approached a leading club official in the tunnel area at White Hart Lane and expressed his frustrations with the decisions that rocked the club’s title aspirations.

Drogba spoke to assistant manager Steve Clarke as the players left the field on Wednesday night and demanded to know ‘what was going on?’

That continued when he walked down the tunnel and he sought a leading club official for an explanation on how the club had ‘thrown away’ maximum points.

Hopefully Drogba will let us know if he finds out the answer to his questions especially the one about Joe Cole’s substitution. Grant’s tactics and substitutions continue to wreck Chelsea’s season. He’s cost the club two cups and now maybe a chance at the title.

Roman Abramovich needs to pull his head out of his ass and make some wholesale changes starting at the top if he wants to realize his goals for Chelsea. He needs to drop the yes men and clear out the dead weight in the changing room starting with Grant and players such as Claudio Pizarro, Andriy Shevchenko and Steve Sidwell among others.

No One Expects The Scottish Taliban

The War on Terror is working out just as well as the War on Drugs. The Taliban have now spread their sphere of influence to Scotland.

Celebrations for Scottish Third Division winners East Fife were ruined when police threatened to arrest a director after champagne bottles were popped on the pitch. The team was warned that it was illegal to have alcohol in glass containers in the stadium. They were told to remove them and the coppers stepped up like the Saudi moral police when the bottles reappeared.

“After the match, another of the guys brought the bottles out and began to celebrate Formula One style. One of the local bobbies took exception to it and said put it away or they would be arrested.

Well good thing they’re on the case. First the champagne comes out and next thing the town burns to the ground. Just wait until the cops make haggis start wearing burkhas because some people think it tastes good.

The Proper Way To Rehab

Wunderbar! While the rest of his Chelsea teammates including John Terry (suffering from a broken cheekbone and toe) head off to Valencia for their first Champions League match under Avram “Yes, Mr. Roman” Grant, Michael Ballack headed off to Munich to get his Oktoberfest on.

Don’t get the gout in your bad foot, Herr Ballack.

Has Judaism Jumped The Shark?

Now I know how Arnold felt on Diff’rent Strokes when he wanted to have his own bar mitzvah. I can’t find that episode so here’s a link to the Mr. Horton episode. Get that out of your head the rest of the day.

Do surfing and Judaism go together like ham and cheese on a sandwich? Is a Kabbalistic soul quest is like a Vision Quest? Meet Rabbi Nachum Shifren, the surfing Rabbi. He has the answer to all these questions and more.

Fuck Madonna. We gotta say Rabbi Shifren makes Judaism kick ass. Avram Grant wishes he repped the chosen people like the Rabbi.

We couldn’t leave you without giving you the Fonz.

Thanks to Dr. Fred in Venice for the tip.

Happy Days Are Here Again

It’s not so bad. It’s like the good old days where Chelsea hovered around in the top half of the table. Always teasing you but eventually breaking your heart. At least we’ll dump all the new plastics and they can return to the red tide fold where they belong.

I’ve refrained from commenting on the disaster that is Chelsea over the past week. I’ve gone through several stages over the loss of Jose Mourinho such as anger, grief and confusion. The loss of the Special One was bad enough but the pain was doubled when rumors came out that captain and supposed Jose apprentice John Terry was the one that landed the kill shot.

In an move straight out of Revenge of the Sith, Anakin Terry allegedly went above Jose’s head to management after he found out that Jose had checked with the medical staff to find out why his form was off. This infuriated Terry and word of the dispute reached Satan otherwise known as Peter Kenyon. This was all the evidence Chancellor Abramovich needed to get rid of Jose.

“You were the chosen one!”
“I hate you!!”

Nooooooo!!! It would seem the alleged heart of Chelsea has joined the dark side. However he denies that he was the “turncoat” and is considering legal action to stop the claims.

Fast forward to Sunday’s match vs. Manchester United and the debut of Slithe otherwise known as Avram Grant. The match resulted in a 2-0 defeat for Chelsea. Although the match was ruined by the ref, Chelsea looked useless and only attempted one shot on goal the entire match. Jose could have done that. The loss cost Roman GBP 8M (amount of Jose’s buyout).

The drama didn’t limit itself to the field. Marco Van Basten and Sven-Goran Eriksson were sitting near Abramovich and his gaggle of yes-men. The arrival of the current Netherlands coach would somewhat ease the pain. Could Sven be making nice with Roman this early? Does Chelsea have better secretaries than Citeh? We can only hope that Grant has a terrible run continuing with Hull on Wednesday. The more he loses, the faster someone new and better comes in to take the helm.

Did we mention that Grant’s wife thinks drinking her own piss will bring all the boys to the yard?

The times are ill.