Did you know that the Major League Baseball season started yesterday?

I sure as heck didn’t realize that the MLB season started yesterday, did you?  Well it did…for two teams at least. To my surprise, yesterday, when I was clicking around the interwebs, I saw a box score showing that Seattle beat Oakland, 3-1, and now is the only team in baseball with a win because that game was a regular season game. Like a full on regular season win. In March.

What?

Oh, see, Bud Selig, in all his genius,  thought that this year would be the fourth time in history that the Major League Baseball season should open up in Japan. They call the series the “Season Opener” (not exactly the same ring as Opening Day but who am I to complain, huh?) and the first game wasn’t even nationally televised, unless you count MLB’s own cable network MLBN if you happened to be lucky enough to have it and to be able to skip work and tune in at 9am on Wednesday. To be honest, i’m not even sure if they advertised this game anywhere because I sure as heck didn’t see anything for it.

I mean, I am all for spreading the game of baseball around the world and yes, the Mariners are owned by a Japanese company (Nintendo) but c’mon, shouldn’t the first game of the 2012 season have a little bit of fanfare  and especially be in its country of origin? ESPN’s own website still has a countdown to MLB’s Opening Day for crying out loud.  How can we have Opening Day now that the season is already WIDE FRIGGIN OPEN? No other American sport starts its season out this way and I would venture to say there is a BIG reason for that…because it is stupid.

Oh and what else makes little sense about this series? The games are considered home games for Oakland, aka “The team not owned by a Japanese corporation“, aka “The team  no one in the crowd is rooting for because they are not owned by a Japanese corporation and are without a national hero in Ichiro that the entire crowd loves and reveres“,  meaning they lose two home games in Oakland this season.

Yeah that is fair, huh? Couldn’t make this imaginary home series for Oakland an imaginary home and away series for both teams? Just to even things out a little? Just a little?  No, no of course not, that would make WAY too much sense.

Then again, I don’t often expect MLB to make much sense anymore…I mean home field advantage is still tied to a stupid All-Star game.  Ugh.  Now, there is a whole other rant…

 

 

Ryan Braun Tumbles Away An Inside The Park Home Run

Inside the park home runs are not a common occurrance in Major League Baseball and Milwaukee Brewers’ outfielder Ryan Braun was ohhhhhhh so close to getting his very first one. He could’ve had it quite easily actually, but for the little tumble you are about to see Braun take after he rounds third and attempts to make his way home. Poor guy, I would almost feel bad for him if I wasn’t laughing so hard right now.

As the great Maxwell Smart would’ve  said, “Missed it by that much.”

To add insult to injury, the Brewers lost the game to the St. Louis Cardinals by a score of 8-3.

Random sports trivia while we’re talking about inside the park home runs, who is the MLB leader in inside the park home runs? A player named Jesse Burkett with 55 inside the park home runs. Burkett played for the Giants, Spiders, Perfectos, Cardinals, Browns and, his last team, the Boston Americans from 1890-1905. He was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1946.  Ty Cobb and Honus Wagner are both tied for 3rd with 46 inside the parkers. Honestly, no one on the list of top 25 inside the park home run hitters was born in the 1900s. Lost art I guess…or fielding has gotten a LOT better these days.

Trivia from Baseball-Almanac.com

Greg Anderson really likes Barry Bonds

Baseball great Barry Bonds is an asshole. Nobody denies that. But he has also hit more home runs then any player in MLB history. From 1999-2004 a Barry Bonds at-bat was the greatest thing to witness in sports. It sucks that so many ball players took the juice to shoot up their stats and make tons of money but if everybody else is ignoring the speed limit on the highway then what are you supposed to do?

If you agree with anything I just wrote, then you might be Greg Anderson. He just went back to prison. For the fourth time. Fourteen months in total. Seriously. This guy has been to prison more then Tony Yayo (best I could do).

Stick me fast and let’s go do some BP, ESPN:

Anderson repeated his long-standing refusal to testify against his childhood friend, was held in civil contempt by Illston, taken into custody by U.S. Marshals and escorted out a back door. This will be his fourth time in prison, his third for refusing to testify against Bonds, and he will likely be held until the end of the trial. The case is expected to last about a month.

Anderson also served three months in prison and three months in home confinement for money laundering and steroids distribution from the original BALCO case. Anderson’s plea in that instance happened in 2005. Bonds’ trial is the last to stem from the BALCO investigation.

Somebody is getting a christmas syringe card from the Bonds household this holiday season.

Washington Nationals Do Not Want You To See Their Team

A couple weeks ago the Washington Nationals put out a list of the top “81 Ways To Use Your Season Tickets” for its fans. Now, call me crazy, but I thought there was really only a couple ways to use your tickets, sell them or use them yourself. Luckily the Nationals were there to tell me that, no, there are other ways that one can use their Nationals season tickets.

The remarkable thing about this list is that there are at least 20 suggestions they offer up that involve you not going to the game.  The team itself is saying “give these tickets away that you paid your hard earned dollars for”!!

Lets take a look at some of the best suggestions.

81. Offer them to your neighbor who takes in your mail while you are on vacation

80. Show your mail carrier you appreciate him or her

79. Get in good with your in-laws

76. Give your tickets to a youth team

75. Give them to a prospective employee who is interviewing from out of town

Right away, five of the first seven suggestions they give the fans are to give away their tickets and make some poor neighbor that cant afford a vacation or a poor mailman or your old ass inlaws or some kids or an unemployed bastard your tickets.  So there you have it Nats fans.  These will be  your demographics for the stands this year: Old people, kids, the unemployed and/or poor and underemployed people.  Sounds like a rollicking good time, what say you chap?  Lets continue.

Yankees Lose Against Cliff Lee But Cash In Elsewhere

Last night Cliff Lee won the game for the Texas Rangers, silencing the Yankee’s bats to the tune of a 13 K shutout for the Rangers’ 8-0 victory.  I don’t feel too bad for the Yankees organization though, while the team isn’t currently winning on the field, they are winning at the cash register. The Yankees have come across one of the greatest merchandising schemes ever…selling dirt from the old Yankee Stadium.

No, we’re not just talking about the dirt around the base paths, I’m talking dirt dug up from the outfield, infield, batting box and up to two feet down before the stadium was demolished. We all know no Yankee ever set foot on that dirt if it was two feet down, but apparently dirt collectors don’t give a damn. In total, they dug up three tons of dirt. Egad.

What have they done with the dirt do you ask?  Well half of it has been used for over $10 million in collectible items such as:

* Key chains that go for $20 each.

* Posters commemorating the nine championships the team won in their former home. They sell for $150 each.

* Special player posters whose price depends on the player. Derek Jeter is the most expensive at $80

* Player plaques showing Yankee stars’ stats and biggest moments. They sell for $50 to $60

* Crystal paperweights engraved with milestone dates.

* Team-signed balls with an order of dirt on the side, selling for $60.

I mean its cool that they will sell it along with signed balls but a $20 key chain??  Look at that poster, would you pay $30 for that?  The Yankees have actually made dirt a valuable commodity…and they have THREE TONS OF IT.  Well, actually they sold off 1 1/2 tons, but they have actually saved up the other half of it in barrels for future use (sales).

I’d love to know exactly how much dirt is in these items to figure out the exact value of the dirt. Silver is a little over $24 an ounce, I’d bet this dirt is near that in value. Just think about that. Dirt that is as valuable as silver. Hold on, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Ok, I’m good.

Like fine wine, this dirt will only get better and more valuable with age.  Get your dirt while you can. In the meantime, it looks as if the Yankees will have a little bit more money to throw around free agency than they would’ve normally had.

So don’t feel too bad for their loss last night, they can afford to go out and buy Lee next year and have him do to someone else what he did to them…partially thanks to Yankee dirt.

Best Names In Top 50 MLB Prospects

MLB.com just put out their top 50 prospects list and well collected it is.  I’m psyched the Nationals have 2 people on it, for realz son!  Whenever i look at lists of players like this though, i can’t help but poke a little fun at some of this year’s new crop of possible MLB superstars names.  Juvenile?  For sure.  Bad habit?  Yup.    Lets look at a few guys that should be the number one prospects in our hearts, if only from their names.

10. Madison Bumgarner – I envision this guy to look like on of the old guys from Trading Places. I know he PROBABLY doesn’t. But it’d be great to have a kid coming up that looks like a 50 year old rich white man. Just with that name he could sit right beside Randolph and Mortimer with a cocktail in one hand and a cigar in another. “Looking good Madison!” “Feeling Good, Louis!”

11. Carlos Santana – His walking to the plate music has GOT to be “Oye Como Va” since it loosely translates to “Check this out”, like “Check out this home run I’m about to blast”. When he hits a home run, i will expect Karl Ravech to shout out “ABRAXIS!!” on Baseball Tonight, even though I haven’t watched that show since the MLB Network came into existence. This kid has about a million nicknames built into his name being shared with the esteemed guitarist. Personally, I think he should be called “Jugando” after the track on Santana’s album “Moonflower”. Not only the final part to a badass 3 part medley, it also means “at play”. Apropos no?

22. Starlin Castro – I’ve never been more divided about a name ever. Castro is always badass since he shares the last name with a ruthless dictator. On the other hand, Starlin is sort of a cross between a fish and a luminous ball of plasma. No idea how your parents think that is a good idea. Maybe its a family name. Or maybe they’re just a fan of comic books.

30. Yonder Alonso – If ever a name cried out for a new version of the classic “Who’s on First” sketch it could be Yonder.

“Who’s Alonso?”
“Yonder”
“I didn’t ask where, I asked who!”
“Who?”
“Alsono!”
“Yonder?”
“ARRRGH!”
/punch in face

39. Tanner Scheppers – What an odd name. It sort of sounds like an alcoholic beverage. I do not know why. Just odd. But I like it.

50. Jaff Decker – Jaff just sounds like a name out of Star Wars or something. Like Dack was or Wedge or Biggs…basically he sounds like an X-Wing pilot and that, in and of itself, is AWESOME.  He has a lot to live up to.

Buy One of A-Rod’s Balls!

There’s probably somewhere in the neighborhood of one million different jokes that I can make here about A-Rod’s balls, but no, I am going above the low brow humor that I normally use and just giving it to you straight. You can soon purchase Alex Rodriguez’s 500th home run ball which he hit in old Yankee Stadium on Aug. 4, 2007.

So, you too can be a part of history and pay a ton of money for a ball, hit by a guy, who admitted he once used performance enhancing drugs to help hit balls.  Awesome.  Ask Todd McFarlane how buying home run balls has worked for him lately?  Yea, he’s the wisenheimer who bought Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball for 3 million dollars. BRILLIANT!

 From The Globe and Mail

So…Should Barry Bonds Do This Now?

If you somehow missed it, yesterday, former Oakland Athletics and St. Louis Cardinals’ slugger Mark McGwire announced that he used steroids off and on for 10 of years of his playing career. Interestingly enough, from my perspective, most of the press on McGwire coming out and admitting his steroid use seems to be leaning slightly on the positive side while mostly settling down in the “ho-hum, no duh, who cares” category of news. I couldn’t help but think that since there has been such little backlash for McGwire coming out of the steroids closet now might just be the time for Barry Bonds to do so as well?

Perhaps since everyone’s mind was already made up long ago that McGwire did use steroids, no one feels the need to demonizing the guy anymore for what he did. It seems to be almost humorous to most that he is finally coming out to admit his transgressions now and that is a lot better than what many other steroids abusers have had happen to them. Have times changed so much so quickly? Could we be entering the steroids amnesty phase of media reporting?

Sure, if Bonds admits steroid use tomorrow there will be the inevitable “Well he only did it because McGwire did it” story-lines but even that is better than the venom that was spewed in the early days of steroid outtings. Now, in the TMZSports world of Tiger Woods head bashing/car trashing/ho’ lashin antics and Gilbert “gun’s ablazin'” Arenas buffonery, the public and the media that feeds it doesn’t seem to be too interested in this old and relatively tame story of athletes juicing.

If there ever was a time for Barry Bonds or anyone to come out and admit steroid use, now appears to be the time to do it. Get in while the gettin’s good guys.

Chimp’s NFL Week 9 Pick Em

WOW. Last week was awesome huh? If i didn’t monkey around and give you guys the over/under/ml picks I would’ve gotten 12 of 13 right. As it was, I got 8 right and 5 wrong here. Amazingly my lock of the week was the only game against the spread that I lost, the rest was just crazy picks for you kids and I am vowing now to not go nuts and give you more spread picks. All in all, last week was our best week of the season by far and it will only get better. To date, I am 60-53, 4-4 on locks of the week and 2-6 on upset specials. Lets keep making money this week, on to the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Sabrina C. from the Atlanta Falcons. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

KANSAS CITY +6.5 at Jacksonville

After the stinker the Jags laid last week, I am not sure how they are favored by almost a touchdown against the Chiefs. They’ve lost to the Titans and only beat the Rams by 3 points, are we so sure that they will beat the Chiefs down by a friggin touchdown? Certainly NOT! I personally think its more likely that without the Larry Johnson mope-show around, the Chiefs might be focused enough to actually win this one. Clock is always right two times a day, this might be the 2nd time. Take the Chiefs.

Baltimore at Cincinnati +3

Ok, the Bengals went to Baltimore and beat the Ravens, but the Ravens are the favorites on the road against them…I don’t get it. This, to me, is an example of the public putting money on a sentimental favorite and not giving respect to the underdog…who shouldn’t be an underdog. Have you seen the Bengals’ record this year? Here’s a hint, it is better than the Ravens’ record. Just take the home dog, and watch double your money come back to you.

DETROIT +10 at Seattle

Stafford is gonna play, Megatron (see right) is back and Kevin Smith isnt hurt, surely they can keep up with the Seahawks in this one. Yes we all know Seattle is a difficult place to play, but the ‘Hawks are hurting on their O line and their running game is horrendous even when it is healthy. They won’t be able to grind out a win here, Detroit will keep this one close. Take the Lions to cover.

Also, how fucking cool is it that Calvin Johnson is nicknamed Megatron? Its a great nickname, I’d love to be nicknamed Megatron, but despite its awesomeness, does it even make any sense to call him that? Its not like he is evil, its not like the Lions are the “bad guys” in any game they play in, and its not like he’s the leader of the team. He is a wide receiver, by the nature of his position he is a complimentary player.

I think that if Calvin Johnson had to be nicknamed for a Transformer, he should’ve been named Ultra Magnus (see right). Don’t know who he is? Well do listen on. First off, he is an Autobot, a good guy, which by all accounts Calvin Johnson is. Also, the Autobots were the gritty gutty underdogs a lot of the time to the Decepticons and their evil schemes. Always on the defense, never on the attack. See, UM was a city commander, not a supreme commander like Optimus Prime or something, so he wasn’t the man in charge, just one of the team leaders. A complimentary role. He also was a car carrier when he transformed. He could literally carry his team on his back if need be, much like CJ can do now. Also, when he did kick it into gear, he was one of the most devastating Autobots out there. Plus Ultra Magnus is just a damn cool name. If I ever have a son, you’d better believe that boy is going to be named Ultra Magnus. Magnus Ver Magnusson can suck it!

Houston at INDIANAPOLIS -9

Really not sure what is going to happen here, I think the loss of Owen Daniels is really going to hurt the Texans’ offense more than a lot of people think. Without O.D. and with Ryan Moats starting at RB for them, I just think the Colts’ defense can key in on Andre Johnson and keep shutting down Kevin Walter like so many teams have before them. I mean, Moats had himself a heck of a game last week, but there is a reason that no one in fantasy football had even considered picking Ryan Moats off the waiver wire at any point in his professional football career…he’s Ryan Fucking Moats. Moats! Even his name sounds like he is running through sludge. Take the Colts.

GREEN BAY -9.5 at Tampa Bay

This one, in theory, should be a cakewalk for the Pack. The Bucs are horrible, just horrible and the Packers have proven that when Aaron Rogers has time to throw, he’s damn near unstoppable. Don’t even think about taking the Bucs here. Its Packers all the way.

Miami at New England -10.5

Miami is not going to be able to catch up to New England once they take the lead and begin pressing down on the neck of the Dolphins…wait do Dolphins even have necks? Maybe they’ll just be pushing down on the blow hole or some shit. Anyway, the Patriots are feeling the flow right now, Brady and Moss and WELLLKAHH yadda yadda you know what is gonna happen here. Pats win, boring. You take the Pats to win, you win, exciting. Exciting is good. Do it.

Carolina at NEW ORLEANS -13

If any game has the smell of “Letdown Game” all over it, it is this one, yet I am still picking the Saints. The reason is that once Carolina gets behind, they are going to have to throw. When Carolina throws, Darren Sharper is going to be intercepting balls from Jake Delhomme to the tune of at least 10 times in this game, with 6 of them being returned for touchdowns. A little bit of exaggeration to prove the point. Carolina’s run game will not be able to carry them in this one. Book it. Ship it. Saints cover, take em.

Tennessee at SAN FRANCISCO -4

I love the 49ers this season. They play in some entertaining games and even though they’ve lost their last 3 games, they are a fun and firey team to watch, especially with Alex Smith finally playing up to his potential (well, somewhat, he was a #1 pick so he’s got a ways to go). I think this one San Fran wins. We all know the Titans are a bad football team and even though they dismantled the Jags last week, they will show their spots in this one. The Vince Young comeback trail will hit a gigantic pothole against the 49ers defense and the wheels should come off. San Fran should come away winning this one by a TD easy.

SAN DIEGO +4.5 at New York Giants

The Giants are a hurt team. Ever since Eli has battled his foot injury he has been less than effective at the helm of the Giants offense, and that was after one brilliant start to the season. Not to mention the health of their secondary with Aaron Ross probably out again. Meanwhile the Chargers have won 2 in a row but really haven’t beat anyone good this year. This is their chance…which of course means Norv will fuck it up somehow. Regardless, I’m all over the Chargers in this one.

Speaking of NYC though, what the hell is up with the massive all media orgy over the NY Giants winning the World Series? I know New Yorkers think their city is the center of the universe and pretty much the center of the news media universe, but Christ on a stick, if I have to hear “All is right in the universe now” or “The world is right again” or “The trophy is back where it belongs” from another mouth breathing or “I am not emo anymore because being a hipster is much cooler” New Yorker I might actually have to slap a bitch. The trophy belongs with whomever won that year asshats. You never hear Steelers’ fans say “All is right in the universe now, the Lombardi trophy is back where it belongs” when they win yet another Super Bowl? You dont hear it when the Red Wings dominate yet another Stanley Cup? No, so shut the fuck up and enjoy your moment in somewhat of a classy manner. You remember how you hated all the wannabe Red Sox fanboy assholes with their pink hats and popped collars suddenly thinking their shit didn’t stink because they were fans of a team that won a couple World Series? Remember that? Well learn from it for once. You’ve won 2 World Series in 9 years, congrats…that is a .222 average. Whoop-de-fuckin-doo. That is better than some, not as good as others. Also, you live in a city where you cannot see the sun. YOU CANNOT SEE THE SUN AND YOUR STREETS STINK LIKE YESTERDAY’S GARBAGE. Enjoy your parade fucksticks and I hate you all.

Dallas at Philadelphia UNDER 48

Philadelphia’s offense thrives off of the big play, as does Dallas’ offense. Miles Austin’s whole career has been based off the big play so far. So guess what? I dont think any big plays are gonna happen here this week. I’m going out on a limb on this one and I’m gonna say both of their defenses are actually playing better than both of their offenses right now and I think that this one actually could be quite a defensive struggle. Will it happen? Probably not with my track record on over/unders, but I am gonna give it a shot anyway. Go under!

PITTSBURGH -3 at Denver

The Steelers are back…well Polamalu is back, which means the STEELERS ARE BACK. Denver lost for the first time last week and they will lose this one as well because while they will pressure Big Ben and sack him a couple times, they will also get gashed when they blitz and fail. The sacks will not balance out the times they get beat. Also, the Broncos’ dink and dunk offense will not be able to get any momentum against the vaunted Steelers defense, preventing the surprising Broncos D from getting off the field enough to be competitive late in the game. Steelers win this and cover, take em.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

ARIZONA +3 at Chicago

Two weeks ago the Cardinals went out to the east coast and shocked the world by beating the Giants. Well, ok they didnt shock me, I picked that game right dammit. Trust me when I say that I am also picking this one right. The Cards lost in a bad way to the Panthers last week as their running game tore up the Cardinals defense…luckily the Bears are struggling a bit in their running game this season. As a matter of fact, the Bears are struggling in all facets of their game right now and that is why I am liking the Cardinals to win this one. The Bears defense will struggle to stop the high flying Cards offense from scoring, even if Boldin is out for the game. If Arizona can get any pressure on Cutler, he will throw an INT or two. If you were brave, you’d take the ML, but since its only +125, you should take the points.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

Washington at ATLANTA -10

Normally a bye week should help a team. I do not think it has helped the Redskins too much to have 2 weeks to sit around and think about the abortion of a season they are having right now. This season is going so bad, Dan Snyder, he of the Dark Heart, even showed himself in public and sort of apologized to his fans…sorta. Players dont know what is going on. Coaches dont know what is going on and are blaming the players. Players are blaming themselves and the front office. The front office doesn’t know what is going on and is blaming the coaches. The fans certainly dont know what is going on but they do know there are people to blame and it starts at the top at the owner. Total disarray here in Washington DC…which leads me to this double negative. There is no way the Redskins don’t get blown out this week by the Falcons. No. Way. In. Hell. The season has been a bad one, but the one thing missing so far is a dominating blow out by an opponent and I think it happens this week. This is the week it goes from embarrassing to just sad. A cloud of no hope will fall on the city (if it weren’t there already) and it is a LOCK that this week Atlanta covers 10 points and makes the city of Washington sick to their stomachs watching this poor excuse of a football team.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

The Nationals Sign Stephen Strasburg

$15 million is all it took for the Washington Nationals to sign the #1 pick of the 2009 draft, Stephen Strasburg. The “greatest pitching prospect ever” is now a National and, if the Nats keep going at the rate they are now, he might even be joined by high school phenom Bryce Harper next season.

The question is now, what do the Nationals do with Stephen Strasburg? The minor league baseball season will end in a couple weeks on Sept 1st so will the Nats stretch out Strasburg in Harrisburg, who hasn’t pitched in months, and try to get him to toss a few innings this season in the pros after the rosters expand, or do they just let him sit at home and wait until spring training?

Obviously, the latter is the choice the Nationals should make, this season for all intents and purposes is lost. The Nationals would risk injuring their young superstar trying to get a look of him in some meaningless game this season, after the long layoff, also risking giving up the #1 pick in the draft if they did anything more to improve their squad this season.

Now, i’m not saying they should tank the year, that would be disrespectful of the great game of baseball, but I am also not saying they should do anything more to improve this year’s version of the squad and should only be thinking about the future here. They really can’t make any more trades anyway unless Willingham somehow clears waivers, so why bother adding another arm to the craptastic pitching corps they have now. Give a minor leaguer a shot who has been there all season I say. Its been crappy enough for most the year, it’l probably be crappy enough to finish dead last….unless KC has something to say about it.

Nevertheless, today is all about Stephen Strasburg and the promise of a better future he brings Nationals fans all over…and when I say all over, i mean all over some parts of gentrified Washington DC, Montgomery County and pockets of Northern Virginia. Welcome to the Nationals kid, lets hope it gets better for this team, no one will want to see them any worse.