Now We Know Where LeBron Is Playing, But What Is He Eating For Breakfast Tomorrow?

So, as  you all probably know by now, LeBron James going to play for the Miami Heat for the foreseeable future. You probably heard this information any one or more of these ways: live on ESPN during an hour long broadcast titled “The Decision” where LeBron sat with Jim Gray to discuss where he was going to play next year, on ESPN.com’s Lebron James web page the “LeBron Tracker”, on Twitter where currently James is trending in the top 5, in the news where according to Google he is the number 1 and 3 trending search term currently, on your local news, on the radio…basically, LeBron James is everywhere.

As a matter of fact, LeBron James news has been around so much lately that I won’t know what to do anymore without the LeBron James speculation and news. That hour long ESPN self promoting television special James did should really just be the pilot episode to the rest of LeBron’s life on televison for us all to watch.

It took a month for him to figure out where he was going and he brought us all along for the ride. Imagine how long it is going to take for him to find a house to live in down in Miami?  Can you imagine the speculation? The drama?  Somebody call TLC or HGTV because I think I found them a freaking gold mine. Who cares about Property Virgins when you can spend the next two months figuring out which tony neighborhood The King is going to move into down in Florida??  I NEED TO KNOW MORE! CHAD FORD ENLIGHTEN ME AS TO THE PROPERTY TAXES OF THE LOCALITIES IN WHICH LEBRON MIGHT POSSIBLY HAVE AN INCLINATION TO MOVE INTO!

I want to see how long it takes him to decide what he is going to eat for breakfast. I want the cameras there documenting his every move from waking up to brushing his teeth to putting on goddamned deodorant until we all finally know whether or not it will be Captain Crunch or Coco Puffs for cereal this morning. The whole time, I want, nay, i NEED Michael Wilbon commentating that he thinks that Frankenberry might have an outside chance to pull off an upset at being in his bowl today. THIS INFORMATION WILL MAKE ME WHOLE AS A HUMAN BEING!!!

If ESPN can devote an hour of its valuable news broadcasting time to “The Chosen One” then why not just give us a whole channel of it? OBVIOUSLY this is what the fans of the NBA want and need. After the World Cup ESPN 3 won’t be used online anymore, just like it was never used when it was ESPN 360, so why not just make it ESPN-LeBron and give us what we deserve. ALL LEBRON ALL THE TIME! This just makes sense.

We have a hole in our lives now and only LeBron can fill it.

Antoine Walker Is A Man With A Plan

Our boy, ‘Toine Walker finally got a plan together to pay back the various casinos that he owes over $770k because he failed to pay back a bunch of casino markers. With fines and restitution added, Walker has to pay up to the tune of just over $900,000. Ouch! That’s gotta be tough for a man with no job. He must pony up about $13,000 a month minimum at first and if he ever gets a basketball gig in the NBA or Europe he must pay a minimum of just over $21,000 a month. Double ouch! To use Antoine’s words:

“I’ve made some mistakes with some finances,

With the luck that Iverson has had finding a job this year, I’m sure that ‘Toine will have no problem getting a job. Everyone wants a me first, shoot first, out of shape, 33 year old forward on their roster. Well, maybe not here, but Europe might be calling, I mean he averaged 8.5 ppg last year in the NBA, that is like at least 13ppg there in Europe easy.

He’d better get a job quick because the judge in this case, Melanie Andress-Tobiasson (right), apparently has no tolerance for any sort of shenanigans with his payments:

“I can tell you at the point he stops making payments, I will bind him up so fast it’ll make your head spin,”

Or, maybe she’s just kinky like that?

From the Providence Journal

Antoine Walker is the Poor Man’s Charles Barkley

Antoine Walker and Charles Barkley might have more in common than we think. Once thing we do know, besides their propensity to drive while under the influence, is that they both like to borrow insane amounts of money from casinos…and don’t give a damn about paying that debt back on time. Walker was arrested yesterday at a Harrah’s casino in Lake Tahoe yesterday for failing to pay back his markers by writing a string of bad checks to casinos…$1 million worth to be exact. Yea, that would make it a felony.

See, the thing about Chuck is, he had the money, he just took his sweet time to pay it back. Antoine apparently doesn’t. This is a particularly stunning assumption since he has made about $100 million just in his NBA salaries alone. His spending might have set a new record in blowing through one’s cash. I mean, unless you are Montgomery Brewster you have zero reason to burn your money that fast. None. One thing is certain however, Antoine Walker is the single worst gambler on the planet. Bar none. What on earth was he playing in there? Some bullshit Pai Gow Poker, War or some other crazy carnival game? Seriously, where were those 1-800-GAMBLER commercials when he needed them.

In any event, we might have a new title belt holder in the “Dumbest NBA Player” championships. Wait, I might’ve just thought of a new series on the Deuce. Thanks ‘Toine…you stupid bastard.

From Miami Herald

Goodnight, White Chocolate. We’ll miss the highly erratic, frustrating yet fascinating play from your early career as well as your love and appreciation of the Asian persuasion.

Kwame Brown Has Something On Somebody

If the NBA was run like a fantasy league, both trades involving Kwame Brown would have been vetoed by every team in the league and the person who owned him would be subjected to a Zimbabwe level of abuse for attempting such a thing. However this is real life and apparently anything like lopsided Kwame Brown trades fly in the NBA.

The Miami Herald reports that the Heat could be interested in acquiring Brown as a free agent. They could offer him a bucket of shrimp that’s been sitting on Collins Ave for three weeks but they would probably have better luck offering him some French dressing.

Brown must have pictures of Pat Riley in a compromising position. Why else would the Heat be interested in signing him? Agent Mark Bertelstein claims to have talked to the Heat about Brown (who is his client) as well as Jannero Pargo and Roger Mason who recently signed with the Spurs. Maybe Brown is being offered as part of a package deal for Pargo. Maybe the Heat could have sign Brown just so he can get with Star Jones. It’s probably easier for Dwyane Wade to refocus and get back to being good if her crab ass isn’t around. I’m going with that theory.

Dwyane Wade: Solid As A Rock

We recently noted that Dwyane Wade and Britney Spears are dangerously close to living parallel lives. They both seemed to be headed in a downward direction. Little did we know he was extending his business interests overseas. Things are definitely on the up and up.

Wade is going to do more than play basketball in China this summer. He’s also going to help the Chinese get their hard on. Black Sports Online found this Chinese ad for sexual enhancement pills. You might notice Wade in the corner giving his best fuck face.

Wade’s representatives say he did not give permission for his image to be used. There’s nothing to be ashamed of here. The Chinese need all the pleasure they can get after this summer’s early unpleasantness. Ramming speed! Sueper sex indeed!

Do Not Mess With Wynn Las Vegas

This is what happens when you mess with Wynn Las Vegas.

Sir Charles learned his lesson about messing with Wynn when he was hit with a $400,000 bill. Next on the Wynn hitlist: Zo.

The Miami Heat center’s charity and NBA Entertainment were slapped with a lawsuit by Wynn Las Vegas for “[failing] to pay a $50,000 bill for convention and meeting space and related services used during the 2007 NBA All-Star weekend”.

What is it with these old ass ballers and not paying bills? They’re starting to turn into Hollywood types who think they should get comped everywhere they go. Screwing over casinos doesn’t seem to be a good idea. The man only has one kidney and I’m sure Wynn will be fine relieving him of it if he doesn’t pay up.

Dwayne Wade Now Owns God

Dwayne Wade loves two things very much, his mother and God. Lucky for him, his mother loves God too, so it only seems natural then that he’d buy his mom her very own church called the Temple of Praise. Having her own church will allow Jolinda Wade to tell the tales of a life that started with crime and drugs and only began to actually make sense to her after she found God.

You see, there was a time when Jolinda Wade was a fugitive from the law, a drug dealer and user and eventually a prisoner. Her life finally got turned around while in jail and she started preaching. She later became a Baptist minister and hasn’t looked back, and now, she’s got her own church thanks to her boy, D-wade. Whattaguy.

“My mother is not the kind of person who will come to me and ask me for this kind of favor. She’s so thankful for even the little things I’ve done for her,” Dwyane Wade said. “But it’s the dream of every man, every boy, to be able to give their mother everything they want. So that was my dream and this is her dream. To me, that makes this perfect.”

So why am I publishing this story, you ask? No, its not because I found that awesome Photoshop, it is because its not everyday you hear an athlete buy a church, but I’m now wondering why more haven’t?

Why waste your cash on an inevitably doomed to fail car wash or restaurant or bar or auto dealership when you can throw some cash down on something that is pretty much fail-proof, a church! Sure they are technically non-profit, but that basically just means Uncle Sam isn’t taking any of your cizzash yo’! You plop down a ton of D-Wade Baptist Churches all over town, have yourself on the board, draw a modest salary once you retire from basketball, and BAM, instant cash for life plus amazing public goodwill because no one is gonna talk shit about you being Godly. If Magic can make movie theaters and Starbucks work for him, certainly D-Wade can become the Magic Johnson of the religious industrial complex? Its a brilliant scheme plan.

D-wade Last Supper Pic from Dave Barry’s Blog
Story from Canadian Press

Super! Thanks For Asking!

Tim Hardaway loves the gays. In fact he prefers it if you call him Big Gay Tim.

Unlike Isiah Washington, Hardaway decided to send himself to gayhab and it appears to be taking. In case you forgot, he told the world that he hated gay people when asked how he would have felt about having a gay teammate. David Stern responded by tossing him out of Vegas and banning him from participating in any All-Star weekend activities.

Since then, Hardaway was encouraged by the backlash to his comments to get his learn on and deal with his homophobia. He’s been working with the YES Institute which “works to prevent youth suicide and ensure the healthy development of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth”.

“I just wanted to go in and get educated, that’s all. Get educated on what I said and why I said those things,” Hardaway said Thursday in an interview with The Associated Press. “I’m working on understanding it now. I’m not really trying to make amends. I’ve been there trying to get help.”

“I had no idea how much I hurt people,” said Hardaway, who spent most of his NBA career with the Golden State Warriors and Miami Heat, and still makes his home in South Florida. “A lot of people.”

Give the man some credit. At least he didn’t pull a Mark Foley and claim that he was an alcoholic.

He’s been working with the institute on the DL so that it would seem like a publicity stunt or quick-fix. Employees of the institute have praised Hardaway for his progress and continuing work with the kids.

Director Martha Fugate said that Hardaway was “so genuine” and said she was suprised at “how real” their relationship became with him. That’s so Real World of them.

Seriously, Hardaway is doing exactly what he should be doing. Most people especially athletes never respond in a positive manner to criticism about homophobic, racist or sexist comments. In fact, they never realize why people are upset in the first place. He might want to get some of his fellow NBA players to join him and see the effects that prejudice can have on people especially the shorties.

Mourning Back For 1 More Year of Sucking

It took three months for Alonzo Mourning to decide what to do for the upcoming NBA season and he chose to test that new kidney a little more. That’s right, he’s coming back for 1 last year and taking home a cool $2,762,500 for another season of blocking shots, making Shaq look in shape and otherwise sucking a big fat one on the basketball court.

“I want to redeem myself and try to help this team redeem ourselves as an organization and try to get back on track,” Mourning said. “That wasn’t the Miami team you saw in the playoffs last year. … I was embarrassed. I was truly embarrassed by that outcome. I know for a fact we’re a better team. It left a sour taste in my mouth and it’s time to really end it all on the right note.”

Wait, he doesn’t want to be embarrassed?? He is 37 years old and while missing only 6 games last year, quite a feat for playing with only 1 original kidney, he averaged 8.6ppg/4.5rpg/2.3bpg all while playing 20 minutes a game. He shot an admirable .560 from the field but an almost Shaq-like .600 from the free throw line. His PER for the season was 16.76 (only b/c he blocked 2.3 shots in his 20 mpg) leaving him just behind the comparatively awesome Nenad Krstic and Zaza Pachulia in the famed Hollinger Player Efficiency Ratings. None of these numbers can possibly go up from last year.

Ok, his blocked shots are good, I mean the last time Dikembe blocked that many shots a game was way back in 01-02 in a Sixers uniform and he is somehow still in the league but really, Mourning achieves high levels of suckdom in every other aspect of the sport of basketball. His points and rebounds per game has been on a steady decline since 2001 while his blocks remain nearly the same. Know what this means? He is standing in the paint waiting to block a shot leaving himself in poor rebounding position, then is too slow to get back to the other end of the court and score because…he is 37 years old and has a kidney that did not come pre-packaged in his body.

Granted teams like the Wizards are still on the hook for players like Etan Thomas and Brendan Haywood who make a ton more with not much better output but at least they still hold the promise that they can get better and their PER’s are 15.6 and 14.2. Mourning hasn’t been that productive since 2003, he is, and has been for awhile, going downhill.

This is nothing against Alonzo as a person, he, by all appearances, is a great and very charitable guy, having done some wonderful things for healthy and sick people alike…but he should hang it up. Its no longer inspirational. Its getting to be a little sad. I’m not a Heat fan, but I did grow up watching Georgetown play some great basketball from my parent’s suburban MD home, I want to remember ‘Zo like I used to, not now. You never want to see a player pull a Willy Mays…and tell Dikembe to quit playin too.

From ABC News
Stats From Basketball Reference.com